My somewhat clever and egotistical writing.

I. Why I Am so Wise

II. Why I am so Clever

III. Why I Write Such Good Books

IV. Why I am a Destiny


I.

I am very wise. I am the wisest person I know. Yes, I am it. Why exactly am I the best? Well, thatís a given. If you cannot figure it out, how would you even know what the best is? Which brings me to this tantalizing yet somewhat.. dull topic. Why do people know things?

I.I. Why do people know things?

People know things because they do. Yes, that is why people know things. If you know how to comprehend this paper , you know how to know things. ĎNuff said. Although, there could be a little more to it. We all know at least 2 things. We must A) know how to know something; and B) know something. That is all there is to knowing something. But when the question arises that you donít have to know how to know something to be able to know something in turn, it is obvious that this person knows absolutely nothing, so do not tell them anything, for you will soon find that it will go in one ear and out the next. Yes, that is the first case on why we know what we know. What is the second case? Would you like to know? Are you anxious to know? Do you think I will actually tell you? Well, when you read the sentence, "Yes, that is the first case on why we know what we know", you knew that there was a second case? Why? Because that is what you know. I like to call this omniscient knowledge. Case 1: You know that when you wake up from going to sleep, you get out of bed. Now, how exactly did you know to get out of bed? Well, you just know. Maybe a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, you turned on the TV instead of getting up out of the bed, and someone was on the TV that was getting out of the bed, and you though, "Hell, that is pretty fucking neat, I think Iíll do it." Which brings me to Case 2: Subliminal knowledge. This is the kind of knowledge that you donít know how you obtained it. Like, ESP, for example. When you were 3, your mom or dad got you a potty chair. You would sit on the potty chair, laugh and giggle, turn over the water, anything but potty. But then one day you are sitting on the potty and your dad is thinking, "Come on, son, why donít you just shit? Iím gonna miss the Lakers." And low and behold, little brown logs are magically floating in the water. This is a prime example of subliminal knowledge. Finally, I point out Case 3: Shared knowledge. Shared knowledge is knowledge that is shared by you and another, but not by anyone else. Example: Someone just got back from seeing Peter Karrie perform in Phantom of the Opera, and they come in the room screaming, "I LOVE PETER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" You look at your friend, who is sniggering, and you find that you both share the knowledge of darker comedy of the phrase. This is Shared knowledge. Now, question number 2 is, "Where can you obtain knowledge and is it on sale at a moderate rate at any department store?" Well, the first case of obtaining knowledge is the Parental case. Most characteristics of the parental case of knowledge are a lost art, though. Example: When you are little, your parents take you to church every Sunday and possibly Wednesday. When you are a teen, your parents dress you up and take you to church every Sunday and possibly Wednesday. But, when you move away from home, you realize that church is a waste of your important beer drinking time and is literally a place for old people that need Depends to hang out. Thus the parental knowledge is lost from your mind. However, you do know that people go to church, thus this is a case of Subliminal learning. IE. Your parents think that you are going to grow up to be a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal, Christian boy, so you are one, until you grow up and the Parental learning is erased and the subliminal knowledge remains. The second case of obtaining knowledge is Peer knowledge. Most characteristics of the Peer knowledge case a kept until the Parental-to-Peer Peer-to-Parental transition takes place (see next case) Example: Your friends tell you to drink. You drink. Your friends tell you to smoke. You smoke. Your friends tell you that you must sacrifice a lamb to Doritor, king of the Doritos. Thus, you do what your friends tell you. ĎNuff said. This is probably the most enjoyable form of obtaining knowledge. The third and final form of obtaining knowledge is the Parental-to-Peer Peer-to-Parental case. This case is about your knowledge obtained as a whole in your lifetime. Example: Your parents tell you to go to church. You stop going to church when you move out of the house. Your friends teach you to drink beer in college. You drink beer. You become a parent. You go to church. You also drink beer. So you see, this sort of knowledge can make you or break you. Touche. Oh, they sell it at 7-11.

I.II. Why do people question what they know?

Yes, this has been a topic that has had some debate since people knew how to know things. The first person to know something knew that he knew he could wonder, so he wondered why he wondered why he had actually known something. Thus he questioned his knowledge. Bastard. Yes, he is a bastard because he had to trigger a chain of effects that effect each and every person that learned how to know things. Why? Because. Everyone is obsessed with power. And you know those commercials, "Knowledge is power." And once you become obsessed with your power and never question it publicly. But when youíre sitting in your oval office with your pants down and a lovely intern on her knees, you seem to question your power. "Why do I know what I know? Why am I a demi-God?" Well, first of all, the reason I am so wise is because I never question my knowledge. Never. So now I have to waste my knowledge on you, professing that it is idiotic to question your knowledge. Case 1: It is indeed idiotic to question what you know, so why do it? Well, as I have explained above, the number one case is that knowledge is power, and power must be questioned at sometime. Like, if someone had not questioned Clintonís power, we wouldíve never have known what a wuss he was and didnít inhale. So, the questioning of power is one reason. The second is human curiosity. Have you ever seen Curious George? Well, goddammit, he knew better to run off from the Man in the Yellow Hat, but nooo, the damn monkey ran away and messed up the kitchen. What a dumbass. Yes, humans, as well as curious little monkeys, are curious at sometimes. They like to fiddle with the unknown. If you question what you know, you are striving to find out why you know what you know. Therefor it is totally irrelevant to know anything, because if you question what you know now, you really donít want to know anything else. So, my suggestions are that if you wish to question what you know, wait until A) You know everything there is to know; and B) You are in a resting home spending away your life on a respirator and eating Tapioca pudding. That would be the ideal time to question your knowledge, if any. Foo.

Now that you know that I know more than the average bear, you should heed that I am sooooo very wise. I will offer a more extensive background of why I am wise in the next segment. Thank you. You may stop bowing now.

I.III. The Wise-ness of Me, a Rock Opera

In the beginning, there was this man. And he was destined to be wise. Yes, that man is me. I was wise from the beginning. When I was but a sperm, I was swimming to that egg thinking, "I wonder why this tube is pink?" After a while, with little help from anyone else, I became the most wise of all. The Grand Poobah. I have obtained knowledge that would puzzle God, baffle a nun, and make a sailor wish he was a philosopher instead. Yes, I am wise. And there isnít any doubt aboow-aboooow-abooowooooowoooowoooo-abowt it. (That was a line from Cats, for all those who arenít that wise.)